Last week was a bit turbulent, as myself and Ernie were in the midst of conflict. At that time, I was getting ready to re-record Module 5: How to communicate your needs of my Tap into Love program. It’s like the timing ‘could not be better’, and I was sitting there thinking: ‘how in the world am I supposed to teach others about healthy communication, when I am upset with him beyond belief’
It’s in times like this I need to be reminded to follow my own advice. I also needed a reminder that happy relationships are not necessarily effortNONE but they sure can be effortLESS.
So, even though it took us few days to get through the ‘trouble in paradise’ phase, we are now back to our easy breezy happily ever after. And this is the difference between codependent and co-creative relationships.
Can I just tell you how much I DON’T miss the drama? A lot. You know what else I don’t miss?
- Withdrawal (followed by door slapping)
- Withholding of truth (both large and small)
- Projection (when someone assigns you things that are subconsciously happening with him/her).
- Silent treatment (often for days)
- A partner who is unable to take responsibility for his part
- Pointing fingers or seeking fault
Sadly, many of these were a part of my first marriage. #learnandgrow.
So, if you are on the journey to Improve your relationships and communication today I’ll be sharing my 7 Pillar’s of healthy communication that both myself, my husband, and my clients practice regularly. With all honesty I am here to tell you, that I practice them diligently and as a result me and Ernie grow closer every day.
These 7 Pillar’s will give you a clear foundation and help you talk about even uncomfortable things, like:
Now, why is communication sooo hard? (especially in intimate relationships)
No wonder many avoid intimate relationships: loving often does bring pain. Growing closer comes with growth pains as well. You’ve learned certain patterns in the previous relationships and closeness brings them on the surface. Meanwhile the unpleasant parts of your partner begin to emerge. Can I trust another person? What if I open up and get stabbed right in the wound? Will he leave me too? Is it safe? Do I deserve to be here, to be happy? Is it safe for me to be honest? (especially if I’ve been punished for this in the past)
The good news:
You are can learn tools to inquire into the source of those issues, take full responsibility, and tell the truth about them to your partner.
7 Pillars of Healthy Communication
1. Practice speaking the microscopic truth. Gay Hendrix said it best: Truth is sexy. Withholding truth only leads to more tension, distancing and drama. No matter how complicated.
2. Commit to drama free living. Make a commitment to resolve issues as they arise vs. carrying them deep inside, pretending they are not there, or defaulting to the silent treatment. Unfortunately, addiction to drama is one of the strongest addictions to break. What most people don’t know is that, drama is bad for your health, money, relationships and weight loss. So, my motto is: It’s my time to grow up and be happy.
3. Be respectful (vs. loving). This one is for the women, as you might have heard. Guys want to be loved, but above all else they want to feel adored and respected. The truth is they can’t even receive your love, if they feel that you don’t respect them the way they deserve.
4. Taking responsibility. There are two parts in the relationships, you can only take responsibility for yours. When I heard this simple truth years ago in the midst of my first marriage drama, I feel like I’ve been hit with a thousand bricks. Of, course I thought to myself; many people will try to fix others, while often avoiding to look within.
5. Resting vs. fighting. When we need a break from closeness (and we all do, it’s very normal) we often create an unnecessary distance or even pick up a fight. Learn to rest instead. Both closeness and personal space are equally important in healthy relationships, embrace them both.
6. Use the “sandwich” technique.Do you need to talk about an unpleasant topic that potentially involves criticism? Follow Tim’s Farris advice and start with positive, slip in the criticism in the middle and finish with gratitude.
7. Tap. Tapping has scientifically been proven to lower cortisol, clear your thinking, and even clear subconscious limiting beliefs and fears. It’s my go-to tool to help clients to let go of self-imposed limitations on what is possible for them in love.
I hope you found these tips helpful and will dive into implementing them right away. Now, if most of these are new, take baby steps, start with one or two. Hit reply and let me know which are your top 3 favorites that you are committing to practice regularly. I really do want to know, plus, as they say in course in Miracles: What is shared gets multiplied.
And if you been looking for help with communication in your relationships, I’d love to help. Whether you are single, dating, or have a partner, I offer a free 20 min consultation (scroll to the bottom of the page to apply here) to see if we are a good fit. I’ll be happy to answer any questions you have about how I work with people 1-1 as well as offer insights on any relationship struggles you are currently going through.
Can’t wait to help you tap into your best relationships yet!
All my love,